I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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