I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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