I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
