my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
