Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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