I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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