All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
