remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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