Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
only if we run a train.
done.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
