I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
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How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
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Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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