that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
