Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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