I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
