yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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