So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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