hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Randomize
