Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
