I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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