I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
