I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
