Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
