She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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