I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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