Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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