Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
operation harelip BJ is a go
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
