her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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