as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
