i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
