i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
