Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
