Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
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The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
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My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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