Your face is a jimmy john
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
