Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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