Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
