THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
