my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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