If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
