oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
