MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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