my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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