He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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