He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
