Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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