I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
