you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
