Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
