Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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