Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
