true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
