Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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