How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
