Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
