Swine flu. Run for my life!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
