I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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