I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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