I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
